Almost back.

I'm still struggling a little getting back to normalcy after my seizures Monday morning. I'm almost there, but things still smell weird wherever I go and when I talk, it still feels like I'm talking down a tunnel. But that's normal, for me, after a seizure. My lower lip is also still numb, so I have to keep a hand down there when I drink as if I had had novicaine injected.

Oh, well. It could be much, much worse. I'm hoping that my medication adjustment has taken care of the problem. According to my research and my doctor, that should do it. So maybe today I can take a bath without having to worry about any potential for drowning. My muscles are still sore, but not nearly so as yesterday. The days also feel like they're stretching longer, mostly because I'm waiting to drive myself anywhere until I'm certain the meds have done their job. There's only so much job hunting I can do in a day when it's the same jobs being repeated online over and over again. I'm supposed to go on a half-day interview tomorrow. I guess I'll have to see about transportation. Somehow, I'm not in the mood to take a cab to Belleville.

Anyway, so I've been rotting my brain the last day and a half with junk TV. In this state, nothing touches me emotionally still, though I did get some first glimmers of feeling this morning with Ragsy, so hopefully that's just around the corner. I'd rather be raging mad than feel this curious nothingness. Even the light looks different - almost new, an oddity to be considered through my window. The sights and the smells are a slap in the face when I get out of bed in the morning. I don't have the level of departure I did yesterday - it's fading - but what's left is still a little disturbing. Like yesterday, I guess I'll just work through it. Eventually everything will feel normal, whether it's because it goes back to feeling the same way it did before the seizures or because this becomes my new normal. I hope it's the former, and not the latter. I want to feel. I want to be happy and I want to hurt.

This period of adjustment blows a goat. I hate waiting for things to fall back into place, for my mouth to catch up to my mind and my emotions to make sense for my situation and for that awful numbness to wear off. It's like being stuck behind a plexiglass wall. I can't break through and voices from the other side are muffled and less impactful than if you were talking to their owners in person. I make jokes and talk almost like normal, if with a few more pauses, but I don't feel much when I laugh. Right now my laugh and facial expressions are just conventions to make others more comfortable around me, necessary parts of socializing that lubricate any discussion but don't mean much to me at this point. It just sort of comes out because it's what's expected. I imagine it's a bit like what a sociopath must feel and I can't wait until I can internalize my emotions properly again. I give it two days, maybe three to really take. Just in time for the weekend.