Where is the sun?

This is such a stream of consciousness post, but... I can't wait for spring. Cannot wait. I don't have SADD, but I still feel much more alive in sunlight. I used to be a night person, but I love watching the sun come up. Which is a good thing, given Evelyn's appearance in our lives.

I'm so excited to start running with my son in the evening and to show Evelyn the garden. I can't wait to start planting, Evelyn permitting. One thing I can wait for is going back to work. At least it won't be in the dark - I was fortunate enough to miss the crappiest part of winter at work, where everything is black when you walk inside the office and again when you leave - but, I really, really don't want to go back.

I never thought I'd say that. With Ragsy I couldn't get back fast enough. I loved him then and now as passionately as I did Evelyn, but there was definitely some resentment, both from labor and also just adjusting to the idea that my body was no longer my own, even less so than it had been during pregnancy. Going to work was like regaining my old self. Coming back was like losing myself again. Horrible way to look at things, isn't it? But after a while, I grew to need him - he was something we never knew we were missing until he was born and my husband and I settled into our roles as mother and father and husband and wife.

Having Evelyn has been the same, both in roles and in just her integrating into our family. There have been some moments when I thought, "What have we done to ourselves? What about our son?" But then Ragsy makes some offhand comment and I realize that, in some ways, he's integrated her into the family better than I have and I need to calm then hell down because he's taking the addition better than I am, even though he's letting us have it.

Another unexpected side effect of parenthood was that I started to assume not just the one role, the one I played with my husband, but three. I'm one person with my husband and another alone with my child. Then there's that other person I am with my husband and my child. They're all very similar, but subtly different.

Oh, well. Blah, blah, blah, right? No matter how much I ramble, it doesn't change that I have to go back to work. I can change what I do and where I go, though. I guess I ought to work on that instead of complaining about it and waxing philosophical about parenthood. It is what it is. Sometimes it really, really sucks. Strangely, the endless walking at 4 a.m. is the least of the suckage. But sometimes you have a transcendent moment that just makes it all worth it.