Am I a horrible person for being slightly uneasy about having a new baby in the house? Yes, yes - if you felt that way, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant. But seriously, it definitely is the end of an era and I can't help feeling both extremely joyful that we're about to welcome a whole new person into the world, but at the same time a little melancholy that Ragsy will no longer be our only child and a little uneasy about all the things that having a second will impact.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, except the complications with Ragsy. But, as I was lying in bed last night, I began having some really fierce contractions. They were painful enough to wake me up and lasted for about two hours and the only reason I didn't call the doctors' exchange was because they went away whenever I laid on my left side, so I think it was a nerve issue combined with working out last night (I think I pulled something in my butt because I was limping today). Unfortunately, I'm far more stopped up when I lay on my left side, so I was up rolling around and giving myself more contractions while I tried to find a comfortable spot.
Anyway, as I was laying there having contractions, I was thinking, "No, no, no! Not yet! Not yet! I'm not ready!" as if my opinion mattered in this. Then this afternoon, during one of the many times it felt like the baby was just going to drop out of me, I would find myself thinking again, "Not yet. Just a little longer, please..."
I think I felt this way with Ragsy, too, but was so focused on the post-labor complications that I forgot how unsure you can feel right before having another kid. You know you'll love the kid come hell or high water - that's your job. And you'll take care of him or her because that's what you do. But all of a sudden, it's becoming very real that you're actually about to bring forth another person you'll be responsible for and you know even more than you did the first time around, enough to realize that nothing about it is going to be easy.
That includes all the emotions you'll experience (post-partum nuttiness, PPD or not; the absolute terror you feel when they first get sick; that freaked out feeling when they first sleep more than two hours at a time; the frustration and guilt as they get older; and much, much more), all the sleep deprivation - the whole package - and a lot of other stuff you probably didn't think about. Parenting makes labor seem easy.
The worst part of this is I don't know how it'll affect the way I parent Ragsy. Will it make me worse? Better? The same? And what about how I parent this other kid? Will he or she feel hosed? What happens to my marriage? Having a kid was the hardest thing on our relationship; now we'll have two. Will I completely lose my sanity? I mean, I thought about all this beforehand, but now it's about to happen and... God, I really hope I don't screw this up.
3 comments:
In my opinion, its totally normal to be freaked out.
And for good reason. You can probably remember the late night feedings, the hours-long scream fests, the healing your body will have to do, etc.
And yes, it will affect the way you parent Ragsy. You might not think it should, and you might take great strides to make sure it doesn't do any harm, but change is change.
But its amazing how the things you fear won't quite be true. You will have challenges, some the same as with #1, some very different.
Things I thought would be hard with #2 (including recovery from repeat c-section, and breastfeeding/pumping) were no big deal. Things I thought would be easy were harder (diapers! potty training! getting 2 kids to sleep every night!)
You never know. But it will be worth it. Snuggling with that little being, those tiny gummy smiles, the way the little one will suddenly laugh out loud at their older sibling, the way the older kid will love the new baby (in their own strange kiddo ways). Those things make it worth while.
Thanks for the comments - it's reassuring that I'm not completely nuts. Well, not for this reason anyway.
The closer I get to labor, the more I experience three emotions: intense excitement, fear of labor and the dawning certainty that I am completely unprepared for what's coming.
Kristi has some excellent points and speaks with the voice of experience. I, on the other hand, have no children as of yet (except when I borrow frinds' kids) and speak with the voice of the still-too-freaked-out-to-take-that-step. Deciding to have a baby is is big step. Actually having one is bigger. Hubby & I are not to that point yet, even though we have been together for over 9 years, engaged for 7 years and (finally) married for 5 months. I admire those that have taken the plunge and had a kid (or two!) You will be fine, as your hearts and minds are in the right place, plus you have a community that are here for you.
Love ya!
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