Right to be annoyed

So, yesterday afternoon, I had my hands full. I had just gotten back from working and picking up the kids, then was trying to make dinner, manage my son's homework and dodge my daughter's sticky fingers at the same time while also trying to plan the rest of the evening. Finally, I handed my daughter a ball of pizza dough to help. The dough was too sticky for her preferences, so she decided she wanted to wash her hands. Awesome. But while washing her hands, she realized she had to pee. Really bad. So I told her to stop washing and run to the bathroom. She did.

Probably not shocking, though, was the subsequent, "Mommy, I peed!" I tried not to understand. "Great," said I. "No, I peed on the floor!" she yelled. In my head, I'm thinking, Well, shit. I've got my hands covered to the elbow in dough, homework to help with, dinner to make, a promise to keep (I had promised to take my son out to ride his bike) and now pee to clean up. But it's ok. Don't get mad. It's ok - you don't want to upset her.

So I make my way to the bathroom. There is a huge puddle from the toilet to the door, six feet away. My daughter's socks are soaking wet, her undies are splooshy and she's got her skirt over her head. And she's laughing. Goddammit, why is she laughing?

So I sigh and paste a smile on my face. "Ok," I say cheerfully, let's get this clean!" She continues to giggle. I get madder and madder. And feel guiltier and guiltier. All that I've read teaches me to be calm about this. Don't make the kid feel bad. Don't hurt their self esteem. Be cheerful. Be reassuring. But I'm cleaning up pee, dammit.

So I give into an irritated, "Jeez, Evelyn! Next time listen to your body if you have to go." I emit loud sighs of annoyance, my annoyance and guilt escalating with each giggle she emits and each step she tries to take onto the carpet. Finally, I snap, "Take your clothes off! We need to clean you up!" She starts crying. Instant remorse. I start mentally beating myself up.

Then I think, Wait a stinking minute. I'm cleaning up human waste. I know it's my daughter and I shouldn't berate her, but wouldn't anyone find it somewhat distasteful to have to clean up someone else's urine?

So here's the thing (and the point to all of this): I'm coming to believe that while children's egos are fragile, they're less so than we think. And the last thing I want is a child who can't handle someone feeling real feelings. And darnit, I don't want to feel guilty when I get annoyed over something that's actually annoying. Do I feel bad for snapping at my kid? Of course. But I don't feel bad for being annoyed.

The idea of motherhood has morphed into this rosy, golden-hued (hah!) image of serenity and joy where you magically remain calm no matter what in order to create happy, self actualized geniuses who have never been told - quite directly - that they messed up. Those books say that they shouldn't have to deal with others' negative emotions because you've got to protect that self esteem.

No one who writes child-rearing books tells you that sometimes you can't even finish a coherent thought because too damn many people are talking to you and too damn many things are happening all at once. Or that sometimes you either want to punch a wall, scream or curl into a ball and rock. Or all three. Or that sometimes you might actually scream or curl into a ball and that that's ok.

I don't think it's ok to make a child or anyone else to feel like crap. But I also don't feel that it's fair to force myself to act like a cheerful Stepford mom all of the time and to feel bad when I just can't. Yes, this whole post is one big "duh" moment. But still. Having had two children, it's annoying that I can internalize this only when my youngest is almost five. But at least I internalized it sometime.