Time.

The more I contemplate going back to work, the more depressed I get. I can't believe maternity leave is almost over. It's as if just a few weeks ago, it was just me, my husband and Ragsy and now we have this other little life enmeshed in ours and it's wonderful and I don't get to spend nearly enough time holding her and watching her play and grow. Dammit.

I'm still going, but I'm not going to like it (not that I did beforehand, but I think I'll like it even less this time around). Unfortunately, between me and my husband, I'm the only one of the two of us whose employer offers reasonably-priced insurance, so quitting is not an option right now since I have a pre-existing medical condition. We've worked it out and found that we save about $700-$800 per month on insurance alone if I work. Then there are the investments we're hoping to build up, education to pay for, bills, etc. I think I need to work harder on a longer-term plan and my own business. What that business will be is so far up in the air. Medicare or writing? If writing, what type? If I do that, who takes on insurance? So far, my husband really likes consulting, and since I freelanced already, I'd like him to have the opportunity to build up his own business.

Yeesh, being a grownup sucks sometimes. I really miss not having to worry about all this crap, but I sure as hell don't miss not having children. I still remember when getting up at 7 a.m. was ungodly early. Now I find I need to get up at 5:30 when I go back to work to make sure I get a workout in, a shower, kids up and dressed and fed and ready to go so I can leave them with my husband with a clean conscience. And bedtime isn't usually before 12 or 1 a.m. because, once we've gotten everyone into bed, it's 9 p.m. Once everyone is actually asleep (I'm looking at you, Ragsy) it's 10 p.m., leaving us precious little time to talk, relax and get ready to do it all over again the next day. Still, it's worth it. I hope working turns out to be worth it, too.