To start, no, I don't even suspect I'm pregnant. There's absolutely no chance. So get that out of your head. However, my husband and I are considering the possibility of having another. One thing that's really frustrating and scary, though, is contemplating the possibility of having eclampsia again. One side of me says to go ahead and get pregnant and get an epidural at the time of delivery (which I'd probably do anyway - a 32-hour labor plus seizure does not a good unmedicated experience make). The other side says why take the risk of having a life-threatening complication (apparently it's the second most common cause of death in delivery) if I've been blessed enough to have one already?
So I've been doing research. Lots and lots of research. Unfortunately, eclampsia is so rare that there are no long-term studies on its likelihood of recurrence. The results of studies that have been done vary wildly, too - in some studies, women were up to 50% more likely to have eclampsia again; in others, having it made them even less likely than they were before to have it. In yet others, magnesium sulfate administered when the warning signs started prevented it; in different studies induction or cesarean section was recommended and worked well.
Add to all this a predisposition to have seizures anyway and I'm really uneasy about getting pregnant again. But I don't want to throw in the towel yet. I'm going to talk to my doctor. But I'm scared, dammit. I don't want to be completely out of my head again. I would prefer not to have a two-week-long migraine. It's funny, though. The thought of another 32 hours of labor doesn't scare me. I can deal with pain. I firmly believe that part of my recovery problem was the post-delivery treatment - with a catheter for three days, I wasn't permitted to move at all and by the time I managed to get out of bed, I couldn't even sit up in a wheelchair, but slumped over my little boy, breathing hard from the effort of remaining upright instead.
And I don't want to be too sick to take care of a new baby's and Ragsy's needs. Ergh. What to do? Is wanting another baby despite my previous experience selfish? Stupid? Both? I want another one for a myriad of reasons, including the pregnancy part (I loved it), the joy of bringing another life into the world, learning more about the potential new little one and, most selfishly, I want to be there mentally to enjoy the act of giving birth.
I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor so to speak - immediately after, not a month later. I want to remember it - all of it. I have little snippets that I cling to: the feel of Ragsy's slippery little body against mine immediately after birth, his already distinctive features right out of the womb and the satisfaction of finally, finally pushing him out of my body after a full day and a half of sometimes unbearable pressure. But there's so much that's gone. I had to be convinced that I had been pregnant at all. I couldn't fathom that I had had a baby. And my husband and I couldn't share in the enjoyment of Ragsy together until much, much later because I simply wasn't capable. I'd also like Ragsy to have a little brother or sister. Although it wasn't until much, much later, I really love my sister and share a lot with her. I'd like Ragsy to be able to do the same.
1 comment:
There are lots of things to consider when thinking of having another kid. Unfortunately for you, you have risks to your health which are a major factor. One of my friends decided to have another even though she found out she had a genetic marker that could have resulted in a child with Fragile X. My ex-sister-in-law decided to have another even though she had chrones disease. I decided to have another even though the first damaged my hip and the doctor wasn't sure if I would end up in a wheelchair as a result of another birth. It's not a decision to take lightly especially if your life is in danger. Risk, reward, it's a fine balance. I hope your doctor can help you make an educated decision.
Post a Comment