35

So today I turn 35. Interesting. I don't feel any different than I did when I was 11 or 12. Maybe a little more tired and definitely more clueless. I remember thinking 26 was old and that I'd somehow know what I was doing. I don't feel rudderless or anything, just a lot more like the village idiot than I used to.

I can pinpoint exactly when I realized that I could never possibly know everything about any one thing. It took a long time - I was in grad school, in the middle of an Eastern European History class and writing a paper on "The Albanian Question" (for the curious, the question(s) is, is Albania a country? Does it exist? Who lives there? Caught between Serbia and Bosnia, it's a little like Kashmir, but more ambiguous. In case you want to know, the answer is sometimes yes, sometimes no to the first two and to the second, it depends on whether you ask Albanians (when it exists), Bosnians or Serbians or other Eastern Europeans.). Anyway, I was wishing I hadn't picked something so darn complicated. Maybe if I chose something else it'd be easier.

So I sat in class and thought about looking into something else, then the professor started talking about the significance of economic theory and its role in various countries and suddenly I was thinking, "Holy crap! The sum total of everything I know isn't even a drop in the bucket." I was in grad school, had traveled and lived in other countries and suddenly I felt like I knew absolutely nothing. Even worse, I didn't know squat about what I didn't know.

It's kind of nice, knowing nothing - it makes me want to know more.

Other than feeling more clueless, I just have a few more visible lines, but at least they're laugh lines. Oh, and my butt is bigger, my stomach headed slightly south thanks to children, but it's better than it was two years ago (I'm leaving out last year since I was pregnant). So that's progress. And tomorrow I celebrate the birth of my second, the best birthday present ever.

But for today, I have the day off work, though I'm technically on call. My sister is coming from Charlotte, so I pick her up in a couple of hours. The kids are in preschool and daycare for part of the day - Rags has a field trip he didn't want to miss and Evelyn gets cranky when her schedule is messed with. So the plan today is eat, spend time with the kids, probably eat more, then take a walk after they're asleep tonight. All in all, more than I could've hoped for for a good birthday.