Torn.

Another day, another meltdown. Ever feel really guilty when you're mad, even if your upset is completely justifiable? That's exactly how I feel, which makes feeling this way even more uncomfortable.

I don't know if it's a woman thing or just a me thing, but I normally deal really well with the crap-ton of stuff that needs to be done around here, but I just lost it today for some reason. Maybe it's the dishwasher being broken, resulting in about four times the dishes I usually wash. It could be that my husband was planning to work all day - again - leaving me alone with children all day. Again. And he slept until 11 a.m., which pissed me off because I'm sick and I only got to sleep until 8 yesterday, even though that was the worst I've felt in a long time.

Which leads me to another possibility - it could be that I feel like hell from a cold. Or that everyone seems out of sorts, resulting in lots and lots of yelling and backtalk today, which results in consequences, which results in more backtalk, then tears when Ragsy realizes that, no, it's really not okay to throw things in the house. Or maybe it's knowing that we have a deadline to keep today since there's a party to go to and a gift to buy before.

I'm sure it's a combination. But I really, really lost it today and I feel very, very guilty. My husband announced that he's not going to work, which makes me feel additionally guilty. And I scared the crap out of the kids, which makes me feel even worse. But I still feel torn - did you know that I feel guilty? But another dirty little part of me feels a tad bit satisfied that I finally got my family's attention. Since I raise my voice so rarely, even Ragsy finds me losing it very, very memorable. The Borders incident a month or two ago gave me so much traction, Ragsy still uses it as an example of what could happen if he doesn't listen and I didn't even raise my voice above a whisper then.

Urgh. I hate this. I hate directing everyone sometimes - deciding when people will get up, what will get taken and where, what our plans are, what we're eating, where we're eating it and when. And who's going to which event and what the other person who's not going to the event will be doing. Today is a good example - there's a party at 4 p.m. For some reason, I'm supposed to decide what we're getting this kid (don't know him), what we're bringing it in, when we have to leave, who's going and what the other person who's NOT going will be doing? Then there are the questions: what are we doing? Why? When? Why? Where? Why? Why? Why? Why? And this isn't just from Ragsy.

And the thing is - I don't give a rat's ass. I really don't. So I'm torn: do I feel terribly guilty for flipping out and just suck it up and deal with it or do I hope to God something changes so I'm not somehow the boss?