Perhaps I need some Prozac.

I have been soooo uptight lately. I got upset again today, though not very much. Still, it bothers me when I lose my cool, mostly because it hardly used to happen, but it's been happening a lot now. These things always have multiple sources. I know what things are probably causing the problem, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I can talk 'til I'm blue in the face, but that usually isn't a solution because it doesn't generally accomplish anything. So I type 'til I'm blue in the fingers instead. Aren't you lucky?

Anyway, getting upset is annoying. I don't like to be that person. So I'm going to try not to be. I especially need to calm down because my birthday is coming up, as is Evelyn's first, so the house is going to be full of people coming to celebrate her special day with us. My mom, particularly will be here. I've suggested she stay in a hotel because she gets extremely tense lately because my house is so chaotic just with the two kids and me and my husband. But of course, she's insisted, "Oh, I have so much fun when I'm there!" That's news to me. What will really happen is that she'll hang out here on my couch, asking pointed questions about when I'm going to cut out the breastfeeding already ("I mean, really, Andi, she just doesn't need it anymore. You were on skim milk at six months. And you were just fine. Besides, it's really...de classe.") and getting more and more upset about the noise and activity until she throws up her hands, declares, "I just can't do this anymore!" then, sobbing, flees for the guest room downstairs.

Oh, well. Guess it's time to stock up on tissues. I'm not sure who needs the Prozac more - me or my mom.

Workation?

Or should I call it workaday? It doesn't matter. Whatever you call it, despite taking the day off, I wound up working just as much (if not more) than I would've had I just gone in to work. The day started with an Early Childhood Education screening, courtesy of the Parkway School District. It's a free screening to everyone in the district for kids 3-5 so they can make sure that kids are where they need to be prior to starting formal education. If they're not, they can refer you to an occupational therapist or counselor or whatever type of specialist your child might need. Anyway, other than some minor issues that are common for kids (especially boys) his age, Rags was normal, which is really all I ask for. Excellence we can worry about later. Right now I just want him doing what he's supposed to be doing when he's supposed to be doing it.

After that, we took him out for a snack, I went to the bank, met the husband for lunch, dropped off the kid, went to get an oil change, came back to pump, got my license renewed then came back and did laundry while monitoring a situation at work from home. I haven't figured out yet whether I should be happy or upset that I didn't go to work today.

After the scant four hours of sleep last night, I'm kind of glad I didn't, especially since I wound up having to forfeit my last planned day off. I'm not sure I could've stayed still if yesterday was any indication of how today went. We have multiple personnel issues and some other problems that evidently all came to a head today. Yesterday was just brutal, but I hear today was even worse. It makes me glad I'm not a manager.

So, that's that. Still to do: do more laundry, go to the grocery, pick up the kids, make dinner and start the slippery slope to bedtime. What I'd really like to do, though, is crawl into bed.

And, since you asked, there really wasn't any point to this post. If you've read this far, your life might be more boring than mine (unlikely) or you could be a glutton for punishment.

I'm done.

One of the dangers of being online is that you can have a meltdown in private and online. If you haven't noticed, my blog is just another venue for self-indulgent ranting. It was bad, but it felt oh, so good.

Hopefully you haven't found out that I'm secretly a terrible person. Oops - did I type that out loud?

Anyway, today is better. Not fabulous, but at least I'm not falling apart.

Torn.

Another day, another meltdown. Ever feel really guilty when you're mad, even if your upset is completely justifiable? That's exactly how I feel, which makes feeling this way even more uncomfortable.

I don't know if it's a woman thing or just a me thing, but I normally deal really well with the crap-ton of stuff that needs to be done around here, but I just lost it today for some reason. Maybe it's the dishwasher being broken, resulting in about four times the dishes I usually wash. It could be that my husband was planning to work all day - again - leaving me alone with children all day. Again. And he slept until 11 a.m., which pissed me off because I'm sick and I only got to sleep until 8 yesterday, even though that was the worst I've felt in a long time.

Which leads me to another possibility - it could be that I feel like hell from a cold. Or that everyone seems out of sorts, resulting in lots and lots of yelling and backtalk today, which results in consequences, which results in more backtalk, then tears when Ragsy realizes that, no, it's really not okay to throw things in the house. Or maybe it's knowing that we have a deadline to keep today since there's a party to go to and a gift to buy before.

I'm sure it's a combination. But I really, really lost it today and I feel very, very guilty. My husband announced that he's not going to work, which makes me feel additionally guilty. And I scared the crap out of the kids, which makes me feel even worse. But I still feel torn - did you know that I feel guilty? But another dirty little part of me feels a tad bit satisfied that I finally got my family's attention. Since I raise my voice so rarely, even Ragsy finds me losing it very, very memorable. The Borders incident a month or two ago gave me so much traction, Ragsy still uses it as an example of what could happen if he doesn't listen and I didn't even raise my voice above a whisper then.

Urgh. I hate this. I hate directing everyone sometimes - deciding when people will get up, what will get taken and where, what our plans are, what we're eating, where we're eating it and when. And who's going to which event and what the other person who's not going to the event will be doing. Today is a good example - there's a party at 4 p.m. For some reason, I'm supposed to decide what we're getting this kid (don't know him), what we're bringing it in, when we have to leave, who's going and what the other person who's NOT going will be doing? Then there are the questions: what are we doing? Why? When? Why? Where? Why? Why? Why? Why? And this isn't just from Ragsy.

And the thing is - I don't give a rat's ass. I really don't. So I'm torn: do I feel terribly guilty for flipping out and just suck it up and deal with it or do I hope to God something changes so I'm not somehow the boss?

Nightmare.

Work today was...rough. No interpersonal issues today (okay, some, but they were overshadowed). But given what I do, every day the importance of good healthcare is really hammered home. Today we had a suicidal caller. Given the fragile state many people are on by the time they file for SSDI, it's not uncommon where I work. People run out of money, can't pay their bills, can't go to the doctor, etc. Unfortunately, you kind of get used to people being in dire straits, especially people without long-term disability.

But today, all I can say is fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I know - bad language. But this person is in hell, about to lose everything she ever owned, all for want of decent healthcare.

Ain't life grand?