38!

I have several traditions on my birthday, including taking the day off to:

1. Throw things away.
2. Think too much about the previous year.
3. Blog.

So, here's my blog. And this is what I was thinking (and, yes, I've torn through most of the paper in our house and thrown quite a bit away).

When I was younger, everything was black and white, good or bad. Nothing was grey. Now, nothing is black and white. I thought things would be more grey. But almost nothing is grey, either. More or less everything is in color. Bold reds, mellow golds, deep blues, sometimes in sepia and grainy videos in my head and yes, sometimes even darkest black. Sometimes life is tepid watercolors. Rich with emotion, with feeling. The taste of words and sounds sweet and sour on my tongue, the shape and image of sounds. All of it. I'm both proud of myself and ashamed sometimes. But things are rarely grey.

When you're younger, you wait for time to pass. You have to be X age to do Y. 16 to drive, 18 to vote, 21 to drink. Life will start when you go to college, right? There's so much to do, but only when you get older. You don't realize how much you're doing already. Then you get even older than that (and I'm hardly old) and you want everything to slow down so you can do more. Sometimes you miss being bored. It's amazing.

At this point, I'm in between. Sometimes I want time to just hurry the heck up. Then I want it to slow down.  Time goes too fast watching my babies grow. Time goes too fast trying to fit all the stuff into my life that I want to. Time goes too fast now that I know my mom is so very sick. Then, darn the luck, it always slows down while I wait for vacation to come and speeds right back up when it gets here.

I'm happy to welcome another year. More time. More opportunity. Even if this year sucks to high heaven, even though my life is as cluttered as my house (despite the stuff I chucked), it's mine. 

Gobsmacked

On Tuesday I turn 38. On Wednesday, my daughter will be 4. And Thursday is the one year anniversary of my very good friend Dana's death. 

When I remember that I'm going to be 40 soon, I kind of want to smack myself. It's sneaking up on me like no one's business. How could time pass so quickly? Wasn't I just graduating from college? It's unreal to me that I have children, that I'm a "real" grownup, responsible for someone else's life and happiness.

Then I think of all that's yet to come. So much opportunity and so much to do!

My mom is still alive and kicking - turns out she does have elevated cancer markers, but she doesn't have masses...yet. She's on the transplant list and coming to St. Louis for testing over Thanksgiving weekend. I'd like to get myself into better shape. You never know when she might need a kidney (and I wish I said that facetiously). Plus, it makes running after the kids easier and me more energetic.

Work is ridiculous. I love it and loathe it at the same time. But it's doable now, so I don't think I'll go there.

My kids are wonderful. I lost it with them today (again) - I never realized that there was anything worse than a kid whining. Now I know better. Worse than a kid whining is a kid arguing with another kid they're forced to live with. Luckily we'd all made nice again by bedtime. I'm never proud of myself in those moments. But no matter how much they'll argue, I will always love them like crazy. And will try not to giggle when Evelyn whispers, "Oooh, you're a ninja!" when I'm trying to set her straight. And I'll also try not to melt too outwardly when Rags tells me I'm the best mom ever before he looks at the ground and whispers that kissing is yucky unless it's me or dad.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my birthday. They frequently stink, but I'd found out I'm an optimist, albeit a realistic one. I know I'm not going to get a clean house or dinner on the table without me having to plan it. But I will get a night with my family and a day to myself ('cause I'm taking the day off) and a day with my daughter on her birthday. I'll get hugs and kisses and will hopefully keep my sanity - assuming it was ever there to begin with.